I am winning at my life and man it feels good. The tides of fortune have turned in my favor and baby I am lapping it up!
I saw a picture of the most beautiful man I have ever seen in my life. He is an artist... poet... world renown photographer. He does not know me, nor I him. Our paths keep crossing on the world wide web. But if there was ever anyone close to my ideal it would be him. Decisive, soft, a fine eye for fine things and real connection to God. A renaissance man... oh how I love renaissance men. Brothers who walk the world sure... bold and always in love. And get this, he lives in NOLA. The place my heart longs for. The place that was made for a woman like me... mysterious, sultry, friendly and oh oh oh so sexy. I love the fantasy of him. I love the reality of him. I like that such a man of my dreams exists. No I do not plan to pursue him. It is not about him. This is about the kind of man my heart and soul connects to. His words captured me and I know that mediocre...indecisive men won't do ever again. EVER.
That is the lesson, to seek and be open to men and people who speak to your heart and soul. To leave folks who are a mess alone. I am not a mess. I do not have to invite foolishness into my space. I get it.
Finding the photo of the very beautiful artist and having his words and photographs find me is not about him at all. It's about me turning a corner and stepping into the desires of my heart. I may never meet the beautiful artist whose eyes haunt me and whose words lift me to another realm of consciousness... Yes I've have been fucking him in my mind since the moment I saw him... but that's my fantasy. And really even my fantasy of his sexiness is small in comparison to his aura... that is felt even from this distance and without introduction. This is not about sex solely... this is desire for all that he represents...art, community, God, beauty of Black people and love of self. I see it for myself... all that excites me, moves me. Few have done that for me... and really it has been decades since this part of myself has been aroused by art and the artist. I like it. There is a deep untapped artist within and I think he calls it forth in some way. I suspect he has that affect on all who see him and experience him.
I say all this to say, that in my happiness state of being, I am not thirsty. I can drink freely and effortlessly from the well of life. I am walking the world a very happy, freed woman. I am rediscovering the kind of man I have yet to happen upon; this Brother reminds me and makes very hopeful that what I seek is seeking me.
I found this, this morning. It has stopped me COLD. God is speaking to me... this is the message. This is where I have been going. All of this is what I have been doing. This is everything of the moment. Path Illuming.
Taurus & Taurus Rising
We teach other people how to treat us. We teach other people what our worth is. We teach other people what our value is. We teach other people how to value us. We teach other people how to devalue us. We teach other people how to misuse or abuse us. And we teach other people when we are finished learning those lessons
We teach what we most need to learn. We master what we learn to teach.
I encourage you to take some time this Tuesday to recognize the ways in which you have grown in this area of life. The past couple of years could have felt a little demolishing to your self-esteem in the realm of relationships. But all the cosmos was really trying to get you to do was stand up for yourself, harness your ability to treat yourself with respect and then to act that out in your intimate affairs. These lessons are now coming to a close so make sure you turn your homework in before too late.
But time has yet to run out. Whatever ground you have covered in terms of these lessons is valuable. In fact it’s extremely important that you don’t devalue what you’ve done because it wasn’t enough in your estimation.
Saturday’s new moon occurs in your Eighth House of wow, I didn’t realize I was so obsessed with [insert name here]. It’s also the house of wow, I’m not going to live forever and the house of wow, I really lose a lot of power when I allow my fears to control my life. It’s a good weekend to acknowledge some of those beasts. It’s a good weekend to break the habits that bind you to superstition, delusions and irrational reactions to an apparent loss of power.
It is amazing how I am moving in my life. I am feeling a kind of strength and gratis that has eluded me for years. I'm on the COME UP in all areas of my life. And I love it.
I have zero tolerance for any and all bullshit... mine and others. I love that awareness!I have spent too much time with bullshitters and bullshit artists. Folks who put their own shit before my well being.
I am officially off the roller coaster of bullshit. I'm rolling along doing my thing. My professional life and personal life are in harmony with each other. I like the folks I'm hanging with... all positive, interesting and steadfast. I am finally meeting men who are interesting and well behaved and well read. I love smart men. I love men who appreciate and adore smart women. I love men who have no interest in controlling women... or me for that matter.
As the world turns and I bear witness to the madness, I am not consumed by it or daunted. I do what I can do, where I can do it. I find peace in that. I am connecting with people in a very authentic way. I am finally meeting like-minded folks.
I am standing in the place of being very happy. It is my own choice. I prefer happiness. My life is reflecting where I am... whole... solid... happy and joyous. There is great pleasure in not being desperate in anything. I was desperate... afraid. Now I am not. I am creating a life that is so me, that I can't remember what I was afraid of.
Once I decided to give up accepting bullshit on all levels, my life changed for the better. Bullshit is about control, and lies and manipulation and emotional bullying. People who have fucked up lives are the first ones trying to get folks to do and be a certain way. They have failed and yet, they want to force everyone in their circle down a destructive path. Crazy... I know. I know better now. I do better now. I am not replaying dramas. I am not trying to convince someone I am the best choice. I am not trying to hang in with someone who does not want me. I am done trying to convince folks of my value. I am done having those tired conversations of "You &Me" Fuck you... Fuck that. I am not wasting my time giving folks the time of day. An audience for their bullshit? Nope.
My life is good. Sweet. I am close to all my dreams. I am Happy.
They have made my life better... Stronger... More vibrant. There was no me before them... Truely. They have rescued me from despair. They have saved me from hopelessness. They have added a dimension to my life that did not exist before. All that I know about TRUE LOVE I owe to them.
There is no greater love on the planet for me than my love for these four. They are my greatest treasures. They are my greatest redeemers.
I invite those looking to build and or start a family... add to their family... consider adoption. It will change your life in so many unexpected glorious ways.
I am winning in my life and I love it. Once I did away with what I thought I should be doing or should have, I was able to fully step into the "As Is". I like the "As Is" it is my authentic self. The "As Is" isn't about settling, or compromising, or ignoring anything. It is about standing in my glorious self right now. My admiring gaze is about seeing myself right now in all my glory. There is no point to looking at myself with a critical eye. Picking myself apart... deeming myself unworthy. There is a great deal of joy in throwing out trash talkers and naysayers. I've burned the bridges of folks who freak me out with their bullshit... who make excuses for their sedate lives. I am not that woman... the woman who settles or bows down or bends over backwards for bullshit. Never that woman.
I am She who is rising. Becoming more of myself than I ever could imagined existed. I like the me I see staring back in the mirror in the morning and at the end of the day. I love the sound of my own breathing and laughter. I cannot and will not tolerate bullshit ever again. 51 cannot and will not tolerate it. My passions run deep and I make no apologies for them... I am a full grown woman. I know how to do shit. I know how to move and change the world.
I am feeling grand and fine tuned. I am a gift that keeps on giving. I like that revelation. I ain't looking for no one to complete me. I am not looking for anyone to provide me with answers to my life. What I want is someone who is interested in supporting and safe guarding my dreams and aspirations. What I am seeking is someone who has his own dreams and aspirations that I can support and safe guard. What I am longing for is REAL connection... nakedness... non-judgement... honesty... love... and integrity. There can be no settling of anything other than truth.
I am in love with my life. I have waged a long hard battle of acceptance. I love the woman I am becoming. The man that seeks me will know exactly what to do to get me and keep me. This is my epiphany today. I am not lost. I am not confused. I am not misguided or misdirected.
My mother didn't take pictures. Every time someone would whip out a camera she would put her hand up... No No NO... wait until I lose weight... or dress up, or look better. My siblings and I do not have any photos of us with our Mom. We don't have any photos of my Mom without her hands up blocking trying to avoid the photo. Later in her life she did sit for formal photos. She died shortly after that. I have one photo of me and my mom at my college graduation. My siblings have none of themselves with our mother. And we have that one photo of her that she sat for. Nothing of her as we were growing up.
I take so many photos of my children with myself and of me solely for this reason. Someday I am going to die and I want them to have photos of me and of me and them, laughing, smiling, joyful. I want them to have photos of me in my glory. I don't want them remembering me trying to lose weight, or unhappy, or desperate, or sad. I want them to see me in my glory... now... as is.
I want them to remember me as a beautiful woman full of life and energy and dazzle. I want them to see me as a woman who dared greatly! A woman who, when knocked down repeatedly got up each time swinging!
So periodically photos of me will show up on my blog! I am not running away from the camera. I am not shunning the camera. The camera captures me. That's it.