Wednesday, October 7, 2015

The Unworthiness Devil Rears It's Ugly Head

I am in a pivotal moment in my life. There is so much going on. Some old haunts and new blessings. I have more tools in my tool box to handle my life than at any point in my life. New people have entered. Some old folks have departed. This is the ebb and flow of my life. Epiphanies abound. God is still speaking and the view from here is vast and lovely.

What do I want? Is that the question? Should I reexamine what I want? There is a steadiness I crave that I want along side the adventure. Does that make sense? Here's another question... Am I being realistic? And am I asking for too much? Why the fuck am I even questioning asking for too much? Ahhh, the invasive unworthiness devil rears its ugly head. And when I say asking for too much, this spans across my life and all the dreams of who I want to be moving forward.

Perhaps I should be glad to have the wherewithal to reexamine the questions I answered long ago. Things have changed. I am different than say even last year. Reexamining the questions of who am I and what do I want  has become my touch stone and ongoing dialogue of asking and seeking answers; my check in point. I am coming to understand that this is where I get to defeat the whispers of unworthiness. This is where I stay in emotional shape. By simply asking  what do I want? And by asking, I am allowing the truth to emerge. I am all about the truth in whatever that may be or turns into or shows up as.

I have fully embraced the need for clarity, especially in matters of my heart. I am not guessing or supposing anything. I am clear. In that clarity, unworthiness can show up and undue the desires if I am not paying attention to my own heart and mind. Stillness and the need for deliberated practiced stillness restores me back to standing in my truth. I am worthy of every damn thing I want. I am worthy of every long held wish, dream, desire, and fantasy.  For me, the key is holding onto this knowledge and allowing it to be nurtured in my soul. Yes. I am worthy  with every breath I take.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

If Health Is My Wealth... Then I Am Bankrupt (But Not For Long)

My life is always speaking to me. I have over the years been learning to listen to it. I have excelled and thrived in so many areas of my life... Except for two... Health and Romantic Love.

Oddly enough they are linked. I know this because I had another epiphany about how I am living. My state of being is a reflection of my state of being. I am not well. And I see slivers of hope in my romantic life as the tides changing in my favor. I am more open to love falling on me than at any time in my life. I like the woman I am becoming every minute... Open... Vulnerable... Giving... Solid...Fierce.. Beautiful. I know that someone will be my partner, I no longer have any doubts or worries or whatevers about that. They will show up just as I am showing up in my life... Ready.

My health is another story...

...There is evidence of a mild mild stroke the cardiologist says... We think it's caused by undiagnosed  diabetes.... We need to put you on additional medications... We need to take blood tests weekly for about a month. You need to get that weight off. You won't live long if you continue like this... If you do nothing at all. What do you want to do?

I sat on this for a couple of weeks. I just picked up the meds a few days ago after both Doctors called... They know I am afraid.. They know I am tired... They know I am stressed and worn thin. Yes, I let them sit at the pharmacy because I am afraid to go left or right or up or down. I just told my sister Lo a few days ago. I told my minister the other day. I told a man I have some romantic interest in. I need to tell myself. The telling of folks seems out of body for me and I can't seem to figure out what to say about any of this.

I have not been feeling well for a very long time. I have been resistant to getting my blood work done because I knew something was up. I seem to always be fighting some fucking battle and in saying that I can feel the taste of ingratitude on my lips. I am grateful that I can fight all these battles... God has been on my side all of my life.

So where am I now? Well, I am preparing to win. I can do this. I have done so many other hard things. I'm taking peeks at my future and where I see myself heading and I like what I imagine for myself. So while I am bankrupt healthwise at the moment, this is not the place I plan to stay.

Let the fighting back begin. I am a WINNER!

Monday, September 21, 2015

Lover. Soul Mate. Husband.

Some years ago I crafted a Love List (Check my archives)... 100 things I wanted in a Soul Mate. Fast forward almost a decade to a more manageable downsized Love List. 11 Things I need in a Lover, Soul Mate, Husband. I am planning to get married again, which means I am planning to be purposeful in my dating life. I am planning to chose more wisely. It begins with clarity about what it is I value in myself and in someone intimately connected to me.

Hey Universe I am putting it out there!

Be impeccable with your word. Consider me as you go about your day and in the choices you make. I will do the same. Show up honorable. Show up fearless.Say what you mean. Mean what you say.

Confide in each other. Place more importance on sharing with each other than being concerned about what might be our reactions, because we know we are on each other's side. Believe in me,as I will believe in you. Count on me, as I will count on you. Need me as I need you.

If you feel compelled to have and want more than me and what I can give and bring to you. Then tell me. Cut right to the heart of the matter. Otherwise hold yourself sacred and I will do the same.

Walk in Truth. 
Have a code of ethics for yourself. Always be willing to tell the truth about how you feel, think and behave.

In deeds. Words. Actions. Lovemaking. I don't want sarcasm that is mean, or hurtful. I want romance in the ordinary course of the day... Not always grand sweeping gestures. Small and thoughtful.

Have your own interests 
That don't include me. We are not twins. I support your interests. Support mine. We are individuals merging and blending; we must hold to our independence too. Let us respect each others alone time.

Be willing to have an adventurous love. 
Be willing to do things. Try things. Experiment. Open to possibilities for more love and shared experiences.

Believe in the circle of family.
Be connected to family. Have peace within family. Blend our families as best as we can.

Willing to be honest about finances.
Create fiscal priorities.(Which I haven't done, but want to do this next time around)

Sense of humor
Can laugh and make light of things. Not stoic. Not hard. Not sarcastic.

Wants to be married.
Wants to exchange vows with family and friends in attendance. Wants to have a marriage that works... Not the fairy tale... But real shit. Talking. And more talking. Reasonable discussions. Room for disagreement and differing opinions. Commitment to working through everything.

Monday, September 7, 2015

To My Potential Lover... I am Ready For Love.

I don't know how to explain to a potential lover that I may get up in the middle of the night and seek solitude because being in the bed with you is suffocating and this has nothing to do with wanting you or not wanting you. I don't know how to explain to a potential lover that when you quickly take me into your arms I tense up and shut down because you triggered an old wound. It is is not your fault. I just haven't been able to fix this brokenness in myself yet.

These are the things that are apart of my reality. It takes a great deal of time to make sex and emotion connect for me. I know how to perform... I don't know how to love. I can rival that of a porn star, but I cannot share my inner most deep longings and desires. What may seem and feel like indifference is my inability to reach for you. You see I was left in my marriage because he couldn't wait for me to need him. He couldn't wait any longer for me to share with him my pain and suffering. He couldn't endure my aloneness. I didn't know how to include him. I am not sure I even understood that those that love you need inclusion.

So here I am dating again. Dating with vigor and joy. I am getting to know men who are honorable and lovely. I am treading slowly. I am trying to push through my fears and my barriers. They don't have to tear down walls and scale the castle walls. I must tear down the barriers and lower the draw bridge. I am deliberately not having sex... Because  I can easily separate sex and emotion and never connect. My heart and soul longs for connection.. Deep abiding connection. The kind of connection that allows for the celebration of vows of love and commitment!

I am a particular kind of woman that appeals to a particular kind of man. I know this. A Man who is brave in heart. Not daunted by a woman who is greatly scarred and wounded. A man that is drawn to my light and sees the goodness. A man who only wants my happiness. A man who is not sarcastic and hurtful and small and insecure and petty. A man who can lift me up and not feel like he needs to compete for the same spotlight. A man who is solidly himself and not a product of the contemporary world.

I know I am capable of love even while I walk the world with a gaping hole left by abuse/incest /sexual exploitation. Becoming a mother to children I adopted illuminated a path to love I have never known. Saving Grace. Raising my children is saving grace. I willed myself to be attentive and loving to them...Kissing them everyday.... hugging them at night... tucking them in at bedtime... I had to rise above my own shit to give them what every child needs, a loving caring parent. With each hug and kiss I was strengthening myself and tearing down walls and barriers to love. I wanted to be a mother who gave them love in action! I wanted them to have a mother who they would know loved them with good touch and sweet words. I feel good about this. I rose above my fears and stepped into motherhood like a boss!

Telling a lover all this has its own risks and terror. It is hard to explain. It is hard to get someone prepared for shit that might make them feel unloved and unwanted. I don't want the lover of my choosing to feel this way and if they do, I want to be able to explain and share. To open myself up wide so that  they embrace my truth and understand.

Yes, progress out of my abuse has been made. I have come a mighty long way with the love and support of folks who have nurtured my spirit. The fact that I believe true love will find me ready and open is a miracle. There is no bitterness to my spirit or my tongue. I want all that love brings and offers and I am ready to do the sustaining work to make it last.

Maybe this is a love letter to the potential love interest... Maybe this is sharing. I do know I am ready for love.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Karen And Rolan I Love You.

I saw her. I walked in and there she was. There was no place I could go to hide. There was no turning on my heels and leaving. God orchestrated this fate... I must face her... Deal with her... Deal with her in a room full of powerful women. Many who knew my story. The amount of shame and overwhelm nearly killed me. I wanted to see her over the years.. I wanted to explain. I wanted to say I was sorry. I wanted to reach out to Rolan Joni Young Smith and simply say I am sorry for breaching and breaking your trust. But  the opportunity never presented itself. I had to do my time and that was all consuming for me. And before I knew it almost a decade had crept by.

My Soror, Karen DuBois-Walton was different. She never left my side. Even as I tried to get her to do so. She wouldn't. She just stayed and encouraged me to hold my head high. Even though her association with  me could cost her a great deal... She never wavered. Ever. Never. Ever. She said to me, get up and move about the day. I was suicidal and she said clearly as if she knew my intentions... There is nothing you have done that you cannot lift your head off the pillow in the morning. I was distraught. I was done. I was at the end of my rope and my life.

But of course the story does not end there. I am very much alive. And over the past several years I have come face to face with folks that I hurt and wounded by my actions. Each encounter has been holy. People have forgiven me. Forgiven me with the kind of grace that you only read about in the bible. With each encounter I am more prepared for the road ahead. Building my way toward redemption. Redemption isn't for folks to grant you... It is the peace you seek inside of yourself. It is the"Baby you gonna be alright" moment.

I have come full circle. I can put the story down now. The last piece that mattered to me has been found and put in place. She, Sister Rolan Joni Young Smith was that final piece. The fact that she opened her arms to me meant everything.

It is not lost on me how Divine Grace has lifted me to a place of redemption and forgiveness. I have come full circle. And baby it feels so good! The haunting of that part of the story is done now. I can move on with all deliberate speed. And trust me I am.

Karen DuBose-Walton I love you with every fiber of my being. I am in awe of your friendship. It comforts me and guides me forward. When every thing came crashing down around me... There you stood with a crimson & cream umbrella to protect me.  Your friendship and Sisterhood takes my breath away! It is undeserved grace.

Rolan Joni Young Smith, it was a dream... A far fetched, long held dream to repair what was broken between us. I lost hope. You did not. And for that I am forever in awe of your capacity to forgive. Thank you. I am better with you in my life.

This completes the story. There are no more fragments left to gather up. There is no one else I need to make amends to. The circle is no longer broken. I am truly FREE.

I am Free.

 Karen & Rolan

Babz & Rolan

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Do I Have Any Fight Left?

The last days of Summer are upon me. Soon the crisp cool air will wrap around me like a missed lover. There is something quite holy about Fall. Things retreat.. the days get shorter and the nights get longer and the desire to cuddle calls my spirit.

I am alone still. What does this mean?.... Why is this true? And what ever can I do about it that I haven't put into the universe already? This seems to be an unanswered prayer... Or maybe I can't hear the answers because the desire of wanting is SO FUCKING LOUD!

I am trying to discern if I am wanting too much. And when I say wanting, I mean wanting. And in my wanting too much or wanting so much, do I not appreciate what I have?... Am I not accepting the What is? This is where my struggle is. Trying to put my wanting into some kind of perspective that doesn't make me seem or feel shallow, or small or ninny-headed.

I was talking to my best friend on the planet Ron the other day on the phone and I got so frustrated in going through all the bullshit of sharing all my efforts that I just started crying. I started crying. I was surprised. I mean I was really crying and I couldn't stop. My bff Ron didn't miss a beat... He was his usual consoling and supportive self. Yes of course I gathered my heart and mind together and finished our talk. and yes, I felt a bit better, he is always my touch stone.

Here I am at 52 longing for EVERY FUCKING THING!  Fall does this to me. Makes me wistful and unfulfilled. Maybe this is the desolation of the soul. An unbearable loneliness that creeps in as the heady days of Summer begin to dissipate and Fall begins to creep in with dark colors, turning leaves and the craving of soups and apples and deep red wines. Maybe it's me feeling overwhelmed with everything on my plate. And in looking at my plate there is good and not so good shit on it. No balance though... Or at least none that I can identify. What I can say is that the same old challenges are back again. I feel like I haven't learned the lessons the first go rounds... I haven't made enough of the necessary changes to move forward in a different way. All the fears of lack are showing up with a new energy to cripple me and break me. I can't help but wonder if I have any fight left?

Do I have any fight left? The challenges before are old and new. More forceful. More invasive. Deeper. Right next to the challenges are some celebrations and opportunities. But not enough to beat back the negative energies of fear and doubt and self worth.  This is my give-it-all-to-God moment. I don't know if I have any fight left. Odd coming from me. I've been here before and it baffles me to be back. Anyway, I'll take my steps forward minute by minute... Moment by moment.

I will take this into prayer asking God Do I have Any Fight Left?  Meanwhile, I'll allow the minutes/hours/days/weeks whatever to unfold as I go about my life.

I don't know what to do anymore.