Sunday, August 17, 2014

In Between. Part 1

Lately my dreams have been about lovers of the past and lovers of the future. Neither which are rooted in the here and now.

The other day as I was sitting and listening to my ex-husband invite me to a party with him and his current wife (who I like very much) It all felt surreal... like I'm in some hellish Woody Allen movie where everyone is talking and talking and talking and I am shrinking and shrinking and shrinking.

I acknowledge my loneliness. I neither run from it or wallow in it.  It is a current fact... my current situation.  I am accustomed to it.  I just spent three-plus years in a go-nowhere relationship that made me feel like I was trapped on a deserted island.

The peacefulness of being alone (alone as in not in a sexual relationship) is lovely. The moments where sadness washes over me, I let it and I daydream and I move on. I am done trying to force myself into anything. Being alone is not a curse or crime... it is a state of being. I am realizing that the focus isn't so much what I don't have, but taking inventory of what I do have by way of interests and freedom to do and go as I like.  Running over the past situations have been illuminating... I clearly see where I just wanted more than what was there to have.

Someone will come and fight for me. Someone will think the sun rises and sets on my smile. Someone will come with their financial life in good shape. Someone will come thinking that all these curves lead to profound ecstasy! And that to change anything at all would be blasphemous and abomination to God... unless I want to change something by my own desire and the one that seeks me becomes my greatest and loudest cheer leader.

I've been seeking and preparing all wrong... even with a Love List revisited in hand. I don't mind wrestling with this yet again. And I don't mind falling down as long as I get back up. So down the rabbit hole I've gone seeking, looking, hoping. It's OK. I've learned so much... truly.

So I think now the lesson moving forward will be from a different level. I get this "going back for more where there is only less." foolishness. I don't need another refresher... another soul breaking lesson.

The dreams, I suspect are telling me I am in between. Yes, in between in a great many areas of my life. How odd? How profound. So the call is now to pick a road and go down it.

A call to explore the In between. yes. I think that is the thing to do.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Inkwell Epiphanies: Martha's Vineyard Expanded My Groove

A week on Martha's Vineyard... Oak Bluffs aka the The Inkwell was nothing short of miraculous. No burning bushes, or water into wine feats.  Just the ocean, beach, solid women-sister friends, my oldest daughter and lots and lots of champagne.

Sitting on the porch of our beach house I realized while gazing at the ocean... I was fluid, and could just ride the waves of sexual energy.  And just like that, I settled in and enjoyed this heightened sense of awareness. It started with allowing my sexual energy to just be. I just decided to enjoy that part of myself without having to do anything to soothe it, or stamp it out. I just let it engulf me and carry me.  What I found amazing was how more womanly I felt. I was conscious of all my movements from sitting to walking to dancing to the way I held a champagne flute. It was all sooooo sexual and erotic. I stayed in a state of arousal.  I am still there.

This is the state of being I want to be in... this heightened awareness of myself. It is about sex, but it isn't about sex.  I used to think that being horny was something you needed to solve... with.  I believed that in order to resolve the horny-ness that I needed to have sex. This time, I just allowed the feelings to go further and I let my mind follow the feelings... I led with the feelings and not my mind. The mind will work out ways in which to just have sex.... but following the flow of my feelings helped to realize that having sex for the sake of the orgasm isn't the only ecstasy.

Now don't get it twisted... I want to have sex. A lot. A lot of sex. Now. Today, tomorrow and everyday thereafter, however the reality is, I can't at the moment. 1)I don't know anyone; 2)I'm not interested in casual one-night stand sex with a stranger, 3)I want love and sex to be in one package.

Horny-ness is becoming less and less about getting laid, and more about connecting to my body and my spiritual self. Erotic is the spiritual. Erotic is a higher level of being and connecting and experiencing my body and my world. I like this thinking, it takes the frenzy out of wanting to have sex.  The wanting can be a bit crazy and cause you to go back for more where there was only less.  For example hooking up with people you have left or broken ties with and finding yourself calling them, or conjuring them up for sex... trying to turn mess into bliss.  It didn't work then and it certainly won't work now. This is where I've been stuck, trying to rewrite history and failing miserably and painfully. Connecting to people from memory and past... I am not her... that woman that knew you then.  That's my deal to correct, not his.  I am done trying to see where and with whom I can have sex with... that's thirsty. I'm not thirsty anymore... or at least I am not drinking from the well of been-there-done-that.  I've decided to allow myself space to dwell in the sexual energy that I possess... That is divine.

Martha's Vineyard gave me the opportunity to explore myself without the interruptions of my everyday practical life. I wasn't on the mommy clock, I wasn't on the work clock, or any other clock.  It was about rest, relaxation and rejuvenation. A space opened up and I stepped into it with great delight and wonder. Martha's Vineyard expanded my groove and Yes! It feels good!

Photo: Me, Oaks Bluff, Martha's Vineyard, Summer 2014 #Inkwell2014

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Changing My S.O.S.

I live with a lot of stress and anxiety. I always have. I have learned over the years of my life  to manage and to carve out pockets of happiness and joy and love.

I am better now than I have ever been, but the shadows are always lurking.  I have to push myself beyond my comfort zones around intimacy and friendships. I never think about trusting people or not trusting people.I just don't dive in too deeply. I am a creature of time. The longer I know you the more I grow to trust you. If I get a sense that you are full of shit, I start backing away. I never come to people with a fakeness. I am who I am. I can be a bit much to take. Plus I like my solitude. And I don't like too many group things.

If it were not for my children and siblings, I would not know love fully. It takes everything I have to hold them and hug them and kiss them and check on them and be there emotionally for them. This is not a natural state of being for me. My emotional measures are dulled. I push for them because their need supersedes my fears. They mean more to me than my own self.

In my ever fantastic quest for a loveship... I keep hoping that my soul mate will show up and be of support on the journey ahead.  All I seem to meet are takers and users.  Perhaps that is the SOS I am putting out into the universe: I AM PREPARED TO PAY FOR YOUR COMPANY BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE.  This is the truth as I know it and experienced it.

There is a part of me, that wants someone to show up with their readiness to put me first. I've gotta change my S.O.S. because I believe what's coming back to me is a reflection of what I am putting out there. I know the red flags and I must acknowledge them.  Not, oh, I can overlook them because this person's other qualities makes up for them in other areas. Nope. Red flags are warnings for all areas!  The real talk is not accepting the red flags as cautions, but to see them as warnings and move on. There is no running the risk of missing out.  If I am sane and showing up as an adult, then I can require that in another person. Too many excuses as to why their life is the way it is, is not a bargaining tool. If they come with an unmanaged life, they are bringing that mess to me.

I see where I played to my lesser story in trying to fit someone into my life. If they can't get behind my dreams and aspirations... And they have no real concrete ones of their own.  That is a problem.  If people want to be in my life they act accordingly. They don't bully me, they don't whine, they don't act passive aggressive and they don't wear me down with their financial bullshit.

I am changing my S.O.S. It can't be one of desperation...I am not thirsty or drowning.  It can't be,  be with me by any means... I am not funding anyone's lifestyle.  What it must be is a call out to strength, kindness, affection, honesty, fidelity and truth. I must reflect these things boldly. I must quit making excuses for why my positives are not shining out and all the negatives keep showing up.  This is my internal and external work. I see what I am doing. I radiate out, but I pull in mess because I am not willing to throw back the mess and wait for the good stuff.  There is good stuff to be had! I gotta quit tangling my net with the mess!

I do not believe all the good ones are gone. I do not believe that my expectations are too high.

Off to live my greater bigger story!

Sunday, July 20, 2014

I Am Hiring Me. I Am My Own Client.

I was on the phone yesterday coaching someone about next steps forward for a project they are passionate about.  I heard myself doling out profoundly good suggestions and inviting the person I was speaking with to try this, that and the other thing... very concrete and specific things. And then it hit me! I AM GOOD AT GIVING GREAT SUGGESTIONS, PLANNING AND FOCUS! I NEED TO HIRE ME! Ha ha ha!

All this time I thought I needed something outside of what I already possessed to move my dreams from hobby to financial freedom.  I have skills and talents that are readily available to ME! I must treat myself like the client and map out my plans accordingly. All this hand-wrangling as if I was fumbling in the dark. I could hear myself rattling off suggestions for a plan for someone else that really are everything I need to do for myself. It was as if I was just talking out loud to myself.

So from this moment on I am the client.  I am coaching myself to health, wealth and happiness. I can certainly capable to coach myself into launching my dreams and moving toward financial freedom. I can coach myself into a FIT me! I can be my own match-maker and find and nurture the love of my life. All this time I was wandering in the woods not fully trusting my own skills. I really thought that someone else had the answers for how to do my life.  I blogged before that you can read all the self-help-spiritual-innerwork books, dvds, webinars forever, but at some point you gotta DARE GREATLY and move into the world with all that you know.  I know this, but in the busyness of life, I found my busyness overshadowed my inner call to action. This is my truth.  I got lost in the busyness of my life... raising kids... trying to rescue my house from foreclosure, paying down a mountain of bills, home repairs, community work, job, and then tending to my dreams. and so much more. Ugh. Sigh.Whatever.

Today, I am hiring me.  I am my own client. That's how I gotta roll. My life requires my full attention.  There is no something other than me outside of me.  It's me and God.  As it has always been; even when I sought solace and help and peace and love and passion in strange places with strangers. I see those missteps as gifts. Truly. 

OK, time to go meet with my client. We got a lot of work to do. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Strength To Write: A Confession of Sorts

Today I ran into someone I admire a great deal. He looked me in the eyes and said I love reading you in the paper... The Inner-City News. You are very talented. I have heard this all of my life. You are such a talented writer. You have a way with words, when are you going to publish. I read your blog religiously. I'm waiting for the book! I mean years of hearing this. I've written countless poems for weddings and birthdays and other celebrations. I framed my poems and given them as gifts from my heart. I commented on sites.... expressing my opinions on matters of the heart, politics, sports, food, wine, sex, raising children, everything! And yet I have not owned my writing ability. I happily and readily celebrate writers. I am in awe of people who can weave a tale of mystery and love and trial and redemption.  I follow writers and I read their blogs and I applaud their courage. Authors are sacred. Words are sacred.

The truth is, I don't feel I have a grasp of grammar in the way that I think most writers have. I am not sure of syntax, sentence structure and oxford commas. I am afraid that what I write will be embarrassing. This is my real fear you see. That I would be found to be dumb. So I don't call myself a writer. I don't feel worthy.

This fear was so deep in me that I never thought I would take it on. I just told myself this lie for so long that it really has become a truth. However today, I realized that I am whatever I tell myself I am. Like in all things transitioning in my big beautiful life, I am so much more than my fears. I know this in other areas of my life, but writing was so personal, so intimate that to take it apart and look at it was scary and painful. No deep analysis, I see the fear. I recognize the fear. I call it what it is and then I release it.

This fear is kicked to the curb. I get to tell a different story. I am a writer. It's what I do. My life is the page, my living is the pen. I am courageous. Writing is my sword, my light saber, my wand, my savior and salvation. No further gnashing of the teeth is necessary.

I am a writer.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Dear Me...A Letter To My Current Self

Dear Me,

Why are you giving up on getting the body and life you want. Look, when you don't work hard, what you are really saying is YOU CAN'T achieve what you want.

Why are you half ass working out? Why are you half ass with your diet? Why are you being half ass with everything?

You made peace with the weight, with the messes and mistakes and loses and failure. Gurl you need to get angry and make some noise. Peace isn't about allowing bullshit to continue. Peace isn't about going along to get along. Peace ain't about not trying. Peace is not making excuses. Peace is deliberate, honest and ongoing truth telling.

What the fuck are you doing? And why are you just dying on the vine? Yeah, I see you taking some big steps and great leaps of faith... but hear me IT AIN'T ENOUGH! You gotta DO MORE!

You're not all the way committed. You are hedging your bets. You are still letting fear dictate your movements. Stop talking. Start grinding. Stop talking. Start running. Stop talking. Start doing the things that will bring you to your dream life. Do the things that will bring you your dream body. Stop talking. Start listening to the wind as you run on.

Go get your blessings. Run farther. Run harder. RUN! The weight will leave when it knows it is no longer wanted or needed. Act like you don't have another year. Act like all you have is this moment to make this shit count. You are too damn heavy. You are carrying too much weight. Let it go. Let it fall away. Push it.

I love you, but you gotta let me love you so more. You will be fine. Look how far you have come. Look what you have created. Look what you have come through. There's more to get and have and be. There's more. You are a living message to the world and you are in the way carrying this weight.

Dearest Me, your beauty lights the world. Your smile is radiant and takes my breath away. You is a fine woman. Smart. Strong. Witty. Sharp. Kind. Loving. Put your whole self into this fight and win! You are a WINNER!

Friday, July 4, 2014

BlogHer Asks: Where Where You 10 Years Ago?

Blogher is asking their friends and supporters "Where Were You 10 Years Ago?" and since I am a huge fan of those groundbreaking founding Divas, I am going to answer.

In 2004 I was serving in my second term of office. I was still happily married. My son Gregory arrived! He was 5 years old. Life was good. Life was full of possibility and purpose.

Mind you, in less than 2 years later my life crashed and burned. Eh, that's 12 years ago!  10 years ago, my family added our 4th and last child, Gregory and that made 2004 AMAZING!