Sunday, August 30, 2015

Karen And Rolan I Love You.

I saw her. I walked in and there she was. There was no place I could go to hide. There was no turning on my heels and leaving. God orchestrated this fate... I must face her... Deal with her... Deal with her in a room full of powerful women. Many who knew my story. The amount of shame and overwhelm nearly killed me. I wanted to see her over the years.. I wanted to explain. I wanted to say I was sorry. I wanted to reach out to Rolan Joni Young Smith and simply say I am sorry for breaching and breaking your trust. But  the opportunity never presented itself. I had to do my time and that was all consuming for me. And before I knew it almost a decade had crept by.

My Soror, Karen DuBois-Walton was different. She never left my side. Even as I tried to get her to do so. She wouldn't. She just stayed and encouraged me to hold my head high. Even though her association with  me could cost her a great deal... She never wavered. Ever. Never. Ever. She said to me, get up and move about the day. I was suicidal and she said clearly as if she knew my intentions... There is nothing you have done that you cannot lift your head off the pillow in the morning. I was distraught. I was done. I was at the end of my rope and my life.

But of course the story does not end there. I am very much alive. And over the past several years I have come face to face with folks that I hurt and wounded by my actions. Each encounter has been holy. People have forgiven me. Forgiven me with the kind of grace that you only read about in the bible. With each encounter I am more prepared for the road ahead. Building my way toward redemption. Redemption isn't for folks to grant you... It is the peace you seek inside of yourself. It is the"Baby you gonna be alright" moment.

I have come full circle. I can put the story down now. The last piece that mattered to me has been found and put in place. She, Sister Rolan Joni Young Smith was that final piece. The fact that she opened her arms to me meant everything.

It is not lost on me how Divine Grace has lifted me to a place of redemption and forgiveness. I have come full circle. And baby it feels so good! The haunting of that part of the story is done now. I can move on with all deliberate speed. And trust me I am.

Karen DuBose-Walton I love you with every fiber of my being. I am in awe of your friendship. It comforts me and guides me forward. When every thing came crashing down around me... There you stood with a crimson & cream umbrella to protect me.  Your friendship and Sisterhood takes my breath away! It is undeserved grace.

Rolan Joni Young Smith, it was a dream... A far fetched, long held dream to repair what was broken between us. I lost hope. You did not. And for that I am forever in awe of your capacity to forgive. Thank you. I am better with you in my life.

This completes the story. There are no more fragments left to gather up. There is no one else I need to make amends to. The circle is no longer broken. I am truly FREE.

I am Free.

 Karen & Rolan

Babz & Rolan

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Do I Have Any Fight Left?

The last days of Summer are upon me. Soon the crisp cool air will wrap around me like a missed lover. There is something quite holy about Fall. Things retreat.. the days get shorter and the nights get longer and the desire to cuddle calls my spirit.

I am alone still. What does this mean?.... Why is this true? And what ever can I do about it that I haven't put into the universe already? This seems to be an unanswered prayer... Or maybe I can't hear the answers because the desire of wanting is SO FUCKING LOUD!

I am trying to discern if I am wanting too much. And when I say wanting, I mean wanting. And in my wanting too much or wanting so much, do I not appreciate what I have?... Am I not accepting the What is? This is where my struggle is. Trying to put my wanting into some kind of perspective that doesn't make me seem or feel shallow, or small or ninny-headed.

I was talking to my best friend on the planet Ron the other day on the phone and I got so frustrated in going through all the bullshit of sharing all my efforts that I just started crying. I started crying. I was surprised. I mean I was really crying and I couldn't stop. My bff Ron didn't miss a beat... He was his usual consoling and supportive self. Yes of course I gathered my heart and mind together and finished our talk. and yes, I felt a bit better, he is always my touch stone.

Here I am at 52 longing for EVERY FUCKING THING!  Fall does this to me. Makes me wistful and unfulfilled. Maybe this is the desolation of the soul. An unbearable loneliness that creeps in as the heady days of Summer begin to dissipate and Fall begins to creep in with dark colors, turning leaves and the craving of soups and apples and deep red wines. Maybe it's me feeling overwhelmed with everything on my plate. And in looking at my plate there is good and not so good shit on it. No balance though... Or at least none that I can identify. What I can say is that the same old challenges are back again. I feel like I haven't learned the lessons the first go rounds... I haven't made enough of the necessary changes to move forward in a different way. All the fears of lack are showing up with a new energy to cripple me and break me. I can't help but wonder if I have any fight left?

Do I have any fight left? The challenges before are old and new. More forceful. More invasive. Deeper. Right next to the challenges are some celebrations and opportunities. But not enough to beat back the negative energies of fear and doubt and self worth.  This is my give-it-all-to-God moment. I don't know if I have any fight left. Odd coming from me. I've been here before and it baffles me to be back. Anyway, I'll take my steps forward minute by minute... Moment by moment.

I will take this into prayer asking God Do I have Any Fight Left?  Meanwhile, I'll allow the minutes/hours/days/weeks whatever to unfold as I go about my life.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Time Away

I always get very antsy when its time to pack and leave for Oak Bluffs, Martha's Vineyard. I know it's because I need time away.... Real do-nothing-sit-down-chill-out time. Deep breath... Shoulders relaxed. Yes.

I don't want to shop. I don't want to party. I want to drink good wine. Have great conversations. Watch movies. Read as many books as I can. Sit on the beach for hours looking out. I don't want to wear any make-up. I don't want to pop in my contact lenses. I just want to shower, put on clothes and CHILL.

This will be my week of reading with a purpose. Focused. Important. I need to feed my mind and brain. Minimum social media. No checking facebook, twitter, instagram, tumblr, LinkedIn or  any of my blogs. Just uploading photos with very little commentary.

There is a lot going on in my life. I am coming back around. It's lovely. I just need some money to flow abundantly now!   And I am falling out of love with someone. I just can't waste time. He is a waste of time. Last year I was in the same place... Falling out of love with someone.  Life marches on doesn't it.  I am not heart broken... More bored of it. Oh well, life marches on doesn't it? it does indeed.

Off I go for some much needed respite. Be back soon!


Thursday, July 30, 2015

I Have One Fucking Rule....

Do Not Go Back For More Where There Is Only Less.

That's it.

So when you ask me what governs my life, this is the answer: Do not go back for more where there is only less. You see when I apply this to whatever situation I am in, the answer is clear. Leave shit alone... Walk the hell away or stay and suffer. I can only tolerate suffering for a few moments then I'm bailing.

You know what causes you pain. And you alone know how to stop the bleeding. So stop the bleeding,,, Unless the bleeding brings you some pleasure. And Baby that's when you know it's time to get help. Real help. Not your girlfriends over vodka tonics. Couch time with a trained professional... A Head Cleaner.

What I know for sure... that first you get the test... then the lesson. I believe this to be true because we think we will recognize the bullshit that keeps showing up in our lives.That's the test. Then we learn how to recognize bullshit, that's the lesson. I can attest we do not always learn the lessons or past the test for the first, second, or third time. I believe we don't recognize the bullshit because we are hoping that this time will be different than all the other times. We operate in a state of denial. We hope against hope that maybe what we are seeing and experiencing is just momentary and not real. It's always real. Sometimes people and opportunities show up as just what is needed until you realize this is not what's needed. Just the opposite. Then we go into a tailspin of sadness, depression and self assassination. How could I? Why did I? Raking ourselves through our history with that person and or situation. We see it... The moment we swallowed bullshit... Accepted bullshit... Settled for bullshit.

Life is to be lived with great gusto, Even in our quiet moments we ought to savor them. I can't afford to languish in bullshit, with people who just sell wolf tickets to a life they do not live nor even believe is possible. I can't hang with you as you entertain mess masquerading as foolish imitations of love and concern. And I certainly won't sit through someone pining away for someone else who has kicked you to the curb...Even if they haven't verbally said it... Yet their actions tell the truth. And you wander through their universe blind and unhappy. That's not what I want for myself. That's not who I want for myself.

I know how good love feels. I now how much I love myself. I am invested in my own happiness.

I have one fucking rule: Don't go back for more where there is only less.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

How Did You Survive Everything They Always Ask

When folks hear my story, they always ask how did you survive everything? And then they add and you seem so whole, happy, larger than life. They say oh you get depressed? You seem like the happiest woman on the planet. (Well I am for the most part now)

Rape/Incest/Sexual exploitation
Suicide attempts
Federal prison
Obesity (I hate this word... I prefer FAT... it just seems more bountiful)

I always answer depending which bad thing they are referring to. As I look back over my life and see just how far I've come. Sometimes I am baffled. It all seems so long ago. Maybe this for the book... The memoir.

I survived everything by believing that something better was just over the next hill. I just believed that good things would land on me. I believed that I was not meant to die all the times I tried to kill myself. I just didn't die. I survived when I was divinely entrusted with 4 little kids needing a mother. I needed them and did not know it until they arrived one by one.. They opened up a wealth of love that I had never known.I survived by marrying a man who cherished me for 12 of the 14 years we were married. He gave me a real sense of what love in action could be like. That it was possible to be loved just for myself. He did that. He brought me the gift of grown up love. I know I will have it again. I just believe there is someone out there for me... Someone who wants to be good to me and for me.

To survive anything I suspect, begins with believing that you will survive.. You have to redefine what surviving means. Always asking what do I need at this moment?. What do I need? Being clear about what you need helps with praying with purpose. Dear God help me with this, that or the other. And be willing to see what God sends for you.

I just believed I could become the woman of my dreams. So I set out with that thought. Asking how do I do that God, show me, direct my steps. Sometimes I listened to God and sometimes I did not. The journey is forward.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

My Blogging Life: I'm The Audience

I blog to stay healed.

When I started blogging I was broken into a million tiny pieces. I was worse off than Humpty Dunpty. I had fallen so far down in my life getting up was a foreign concept.... Check my archives... I do periodically, to remind myself of just how far I've come. Blogging helped me save myself. From that very first send, I was hooked. I wasn't interested if anyone would find me. I was finding me. Each day I just poured my heart out. Sometimes I was drunk as hell. Sometimes I was typing through a monsoon of tears. And some days there was just enough sunlight to make me smile for a few moments and I could write about that.... Little bits of joy that started slipping in.

I found a community of folks who were just blogging and slogging... making their way and I joined them. I met folks who are my friends right this very minute. Folks I went to see. Folks who came to see me. Folks who I meet up with every other year. They have become apart of my life. They give me back to myself in countless unimaginable ways. They hold me up and hold me down.

I never thought to make a living doing this. I never thought I wanted a huge audience. I just wanted a place to share. I really believe I am talking to the universe in prayer. Each blog post is its own prayer for better or for worse. I'm not talking to anyone except myself and God.  So while I know some very famous bloggers who are doing their life's work, it is my joy to cheer them on. I am not one of them in that regard. I love being a blogger. I love this medium. I love how we connect and share and stay up with each other. When I drop by someone's blog it really does feel like I am visiting them at home. I can sit down and read a bit and connect with their life though what they share. I can leave a comment, ask a question or just keep on moving silently with reverence for their story.

I'm the audience of my blog. So, I am always pleasantly surprised when someone leaves a comment or emails me their thoughts. It still blows me away that folks feel my blog has some value and that something I said helped them on their journey. That is always an unexpected pleasure and gift.

I have no idea if and when this all will come to an end. Maybe I'll just stop just as I started. Maybe a new blog? Maybe something else. Oh I don't know. I do know, that blogging saved my life time and time again. That's it.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Old Goals... New Resolve.

I woke up one morning last week and looked in the mirror and saw my face very puffy. Puffy as in, I partied too much the night before and it showed up in my face. I have never had that experience. I brushed it off, until the puffiness sorta stayed with me. I went out and partied some more with a different set of friends. Good times my friends good times indeed. When I woke up that puffiness was still with me. I realized that I have to make some decisions about who I am and what I want to spend my time doing.

I called my Sister Lo freaking out... Lo, I have that "I'm drinking too much" puffy face! She started laughing and said, it means you are dehydrated and your body is trying to preserve itself.

I made a decision right then... one that I have been making over and over for the last decade. I am making my health a priority. The weight must come off. I am truly tired of it. Truly. So I did not restock my bar for the July 4th weekend. I have gone vegan for the last 3 weeks. Tomorrow I start a fast and dedicated prayer commitment. I am going back to running at sunrise.

I can't express what is different this time... with these goals... with this statement. All I know is I feel different. I feel resolute. I've felt resolute before. But this time, I am thinking about my mortality and what I want to see over the later part of my life. I want to enjoy a fit body. I want to be strong and in good health.

In 378 days I will be in London and Paris. I want to be fit! I want to be slim and trim, in the best shape of my life. There is no other way to get to that unless I start today. I have started today.

I will be kind and firm with myself. I will speak lovingly about this body as is and celebrate it as I reach my goals. I love myself and my life and all that I do must begin to reflect that. I understand that now.

So the journey continues with a new resolve to finish STRONG!