Sunday, July 20, 2014

I Am Hiring Me. I Am My Own Client.

I was on the phone yesterday coaching someone about next steps forward for a project they are passionate about.  I heard myself doling out profoundly good suggestions and inviting the person I was speaking with to try this, that and the other thing... very concrete and specific things. And then it hit me! I AM GOOD AT GIVING GREAT SUGGESTIONS, PLANNING AND FOCUS! I NEED TO HIRE ME! Ha ha ha!

All this time I thought I needed something outside of what I already possessed to move my dreams from hobby to financial freedom.  I have skills and talents that are readily available to ME! I must treat myself like the client and map out my plans accordingly. All this hand-wrangling as if I was fumbling in the dark. I could hear myself rattling off suggestions for a plan for someone else that really are everything I need to do for myself. It was as if I was just talking out loud to myself.

So from this moment on I am the client.  I am coaching myself to health, wealth and happiness. I can certainly capable to coach myself into launching my dreams and moving toward financial freedom. I can coach myself into a FIT me! I can be my own match-maker and find and nurture the love of my life. All this time I was wandering in the woods not fully trusting my own skills. I really thought that someone else had the answers for how to do my life.  I blogged before that you can read all the self-help-spiritual-innerwork books, dvds, webinars forever, but at some point you gotta DARE GREATLY and move into the world with all that you know.  I know this, but in the busyness of life, I found my busyness overshadowed my inner call to action. This is my truth.  I got lost in the busyness of my life... raising kids... trying to rescue my house from foreclosure, paying down a mountain of bills, home repairs, community work, job, and then tending to my dreams. and so much more. Ugh. Sigh.Whatever.

Today, I am hiring me.  I am my own client. That's how I gotta roll. My life requires my full attention.  There is no something other than me outside of me.  It's me and God.  As it has always been; even when I sought solace and help and peace and love and passion in strange places with strangers. I see those missteps as gifts. Truly. 

OK, time to go meet with my client. We got a lot of work to do. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Strength To Write: A Confession of Sorts

Today I ran into someone I admire a great deal. He looked me in the eyes and said I love reading you in the paper... The Inner-City News. You are very talented. I have heard this all of my life. You are such a talented writer. You have a way with words, when are you going to publish. I read your blog religiously. I'm waiting for the book! I mean years of hearing this. I've written countless poems for weddings and birthdays and other celebrations. I framed my poems and given them as gifts from my heart. I commented on sites.... expressing my opinions on matters of the heart, politics, sports, food, wine, sex, raising children, everything! And yet I have not owned my writing ability. I happily and readily celebrate writers. I am in awe of people who can weave a tale of mystery and love and trial and redemption.  I follow writers and I read their blogs and I applaud their courage. Authors are sacred. Words are sacred.

The truth is, I don't feel I have a grasp of grammar in the way that I think most writers have. I am not sure of syntax, sentence structure and oxford commas. I am afraid that what I write will be embarrassing. This is my real fear you see. That I would be found to be dumb. So I don't call myself a writer. I don't feel worthy.

This fear was so deep in me that I never thought I would take it on. I just told myself this lie for so long that it really has become a truth. However today, I realized that I am whatever I tell myself I am. Like in all things transitioning in my big beautiful life, I am so much more than my fears. I know this in other areas of my life, but writing was so personal, so intimate that to take it apart and look at it was scary and painful. No deep analysis, I see the fear. I recognize the fear. I call it what it is and then I release it.

This fear is kicked to the curb. I get to tell a different story. I am a writer. It's what I do. My life is the page, my living is the pen. I am courageous. Writing is my sword, my light saber, my wand, my savior and salvation. No further gnashing of the teeth is necessary.

I am a writer.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Dear Me...A Letter To My Current Self

Dear Me,

Why are you giving up on getting the body and life you want. Look, when you don't work hard, what you are really saying is YOU CAN'T achieve what you want.

Why are you half ass working out? Why are you half ass with your diet? Why are you being half ass with everything?

You made peace with the weight, with the messes and mistakes and loses and failure. Gurl you need to get angry and make some noise. Peace isn't about allowing bullshit to continue. Peace isn't about going along to get along. Peace ain't about not trying. Peace is not making excuses. Peace is deliberate, honest and ongoing truth telling.

What the fuck are you doing? And why are you just dying on the vine? Yeah, I see you taking some big steps and great leaps of faith... but hear me IT AIN'T ENOUGH! You gotta DO MORE!

You're not all the way committed. You are hedging your bets. You are still letting fear dictate your movements. Stop talking. Start grinding. Stop talking. Start running. Stop talking. Start doing the things that will bring you to your dream life. Do the things that will bring you your dream body. Stop talking. Start listening to the wind as you run on.

Go get your blessings. Run farther. Run harder. RUN! The weight will leave when it knows it is no longer wanted or needed. Act like you don't have another year. Act like all you have is this moment to make this shit count. You are too damn heavy. You are carrying too much weight. Let it go. Let it fall away. Push it.

I love you, but you gotta let me love you so more. You will be fine. Look how far you have come. Look what you have created. Look what you have come through. There's more to get and have and be. There's more. You are a living message to the world and you are in the way carrying this weight.

Dearest Me, your beauty lights the world. Your smile is radiant and takes my breath away. You is a fine woman. Smart. Strong. Witty. Sharp. Kind. Loving. Put your whole self into this fight and win! You are a WINNER!

Friday, July 4, 2014

BlogHer Asks: Where Where You 10 Years Ago?

Blogher is asking their friends and supporters "Where Were You 10 Years Ago?" and since I am a huge fan of those groundbreaking founding Divas, I am going to answer.

In 2004 I was serving in my second term of office. I was still happily married. My son Gregory arrived! He was 5 years old. Life was good. Life was full of possibility and purpose.

Mind you, in less than 2 years later my life crashed and burned. Eh, that's 12 years ago!  10 years ago, my family added our 4th and last child, Gregory and that made 2004 AMAZING!

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

OK CUPID. Not Right Now

I joined OK about a month ago. I thought well, lets get out there and date. I started my profile, had a few conversations, met a few folks for coffee. *Yawn*

I decided to shut down my profile. I just don't find this fun or exciting or even interesting.  I am not shy.  I am not afraid to meet new people and I love men.  I was just disappointed with the level of conversations I was having and the mediocre "dates" And yes, there's the telling about myself that send men screaming from the table. Men at my age aren't interested in a women who has young children underfoot, or they want more children, or they are getting ready to retire and I am no where near that. Or they want a woman thinner and younger and prettier and more something other than what I am. Ha ha ha!

I am sighing because I thought this was going to be fun and adventurous. It's turning out to be work. So I've disabled my profile. I think I need to focus on all the many other things I have going on. I think I will look for other ways to date. I'm not giving up by any means. I see I must become more creative in my efforts.

I am not taking this foray into dating  personally or internally. I am a wonderful woman with a great sense of humor, a lot of love to share and a willingness to surrender and be open to love. I just can't settle for less when I am so much more.

OK Cupid, not right now. Doesn't mean I'll never reactivate my profile... but right now I'm not feeling this way to date. And honestly I rather like this decision. I don't feel thirsty... I feel strong, confident and powerful. and who knows... maybe I'll give other sites a try.

In the meantime, I'm letting folks know, Babz is on the market! Ha ha ha ha!

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Photos: Exploring And Affirming My Beauty. And I am Indeed Beautiful!

I am done with playing to the small lesser story. I am stepping into and owning my unique beauty.
Look at me! Look at me and say get it Sister! I'm done taking myself apart... seeing only flaws and mistakes that need correcting. I am God's child and I need to revel in that. YES! I am working on weight loss. And yes I am working on getting fit.  I am beautiful as Is right now! And I have a mean Wig Game! HA!
I'd like to get to my modeling weight... a size 14. Right now I'm a solid 22 dress and 24 pant. I am owning who I am right now! Right NOW!

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

So Love. I am. Come For Me.

Loveships do not have to be complicated. I really do believe for me the trouble always begins when I want someone who is just not quite right.... and I drag myself through the craziness based on a few qualities that I am convinced are enough. WRONG!

I know when shit ain't right...but I go down the garden path anyway hoping for what? I turn myself into a pretzel, taking my cues from the object of my affection.  I go into "I'm not enough as is"... that somehow I must become MORE MORE MORE in order for love to grow deeply. Like this last fiasco... listening to his little criticisms masked as deep concern (which were really just bait stringing me along) for possible togetherness.  The more he talked the smaller I became.  He damn near extinguished me. Every time I think about that mess and the time it took for me to burn brighter and put his ass out, I crack up laughing. I AM A SMART WOMAN! How could I have been such a fucking fool?

I was a fool because I was more into "what might be" rather than being in "what is" Oh I knew better, I just didn't do better.  So know I get it fully.

I am enough. and there is someone who will dig everything about me...WITHOUT CRITICISM.  And he will come with his own accomplishments and successes. I've learned that you can't build someone up from scratch.  Their life reflects their efforts, their fears and their courage. I need and want someone who has courage and faith.

I was mad for a bit... mad at my own handiwork in that doomed relationship. Mad that I allowed it to go on...doing my best to craft it into a love for the ages. Ha!  So now I am laying that down.  Yes I did this reflection months ago.  But I've done some more work on this...soul searching and truth telling.  It was never about him... it was always about what I allowed. That's where I've been the biggest fool.

I am relaxing into a different phase around love and dating. I am not changing shit and I don't mean that in a defiant way. I mean I am not going to invite or allow anyone to criticize me, as if I am not the guru of my own life. That's it. So love. I am. Come for me.