His behavior of not seeing our kids is not a newsflash. He has done this before. Again this is not about him. What I must do now is to begin the process of talking about disappointment with my kids. They are of the age where I no longer can sprinkle fairy dust on their Father's behavior. They have eyes and they are smart. They are starting to see how things are. What they do not have is a reference point for how to process what they see and how it makes them feel. They also are not privy to the whole truth of things. So I have to teach them about how to manage disappointment and still maintain love for the one who disappoints you.
This is my work to do in my spirit. Manage my disappointment of my Ex as well as the overall disappointments of my life. However way I handle this, it does becomes the lessons I am teaching them. If I allow the disappointment to become larger than life in my everyday life, then they will internalize that and that will be the lessons I am teaching. This is my teachable moment about truth, love and the reality of what I see and experience on top of what I feel. I cannot allow them to be ruled solely by their emotions. I cannot be solely ruled by my emotions. There has to be a balance and real truth telling that allows them and me to find that balance. I do not mean the truth telling that requires me to tell them every bad thing about their Father... his actions alone will do that. What I am talking about is the truth that we are all human, we all make mistakes and that we all benefit from undeserved grace. There is no blame, there is only owning your own messes and doing the best you can to manage your life. And I do mean manage your life and allowing for all the experiences that come with living... joy, pain, sorrow, happiness, love and disappointments and fears.
If I do not manage my disappointments right now and teach them to manage theirs, they will begin to look for their father in every relationship they have moving forward. They will unconsciously try to fix in those coming relationships what is not theirs to fix. They will play out this drama over and over again and not understand why they keep ending up in the place of lack and unhappiness. I am not saying I can save them from unhappiness. I can however model for them a behavior that they can absorb as a tool moving forward. This thinking and action helps them manage their being in the world and not reacting to the world. It helps me become more the Grown Woman of my dreams.