Giving myself permission to vacation was a luxury. I am glad I just said yes and went. I had no idea how stressed and unhappy I was until I went away and was absolutely carefree. Moving at my own pace with no agenda and no shoulds, or have-tos.
Being on vacation allowed me to see my life from a different place. Yes, of course I knew I was drowning, I knew I was suffering. I knew I needed to change my mind and my perspective. Vacationing with Sister-friends renewed me and allowed me to miss the things that were important. I still feel rested and relaxed after being home 2 days.
Granted, I am still a bit lost as to what to do next and how to move forward. I have come to realize that knowing what happens next, in this instance isn't required as I step into the life I am creating. And I am creating a life filled with people and experiences that bring me joy, and happiness and love.
The greatest value of vacationing is understanding that I gotta get off the grind in a real way periodically. Give myself back to myself in a real meaningful way. I have to do a better job of taking time outs and seeking quiet time to be still. Having two very different vacationing experiences was needed. New Orleans was like a week of Friday nights! Party! Party! Party! I loved it, I remember when that was the norm. I stepped into the mood like I never left it. I needed that kind of respite to remind me of my vibrancy and aliveness. The Sister-friends I was hanging with were just what my spirit needed... women of the same age, who were reaching to have more love in their lives too.
Martha's Vineyard was a very different trip indeed. Oak Bluffs was like a week of Sundays... laid back, mellow and carefree. I have forgotten what living without the weight of the world could be like. Meandering through the day as if that was my occupation. The doing of nothing was elevated to a fine art. I was so mellow and chilled the fuck out that taking a shower was way too much effort (although I did shower everyday). There were a couple of days where pajamas were the perfect outfit. The porch was the only destination and the commute was to the fridge for more beer or champagne. I took to the cool-out time like I couldn't believe. I needed it for my soul, for my heart, for my mind and for my body. I let the tired me fall away and allowed the rejuvenated me reemerge. Oak Bluffs was a balm that soothed a weary woman. My Sorors understood and strongly encouraged the NO AGENDA, DO NOTHING, WE'RE ON VACATION mindset. It was the house rule. I happily acquiesced.
I am happily back home. All the same challenges remain. All the same fears and doubts awaiting my return.
What has changed is my feelings about them, and my non-reaction to them. I am moving with a more serene perspective. I know how I want to live and it starts with peace in my mind...my whole being. That is the gift of vacation. I do believe I got my groove back!